Up and Down

I am still on the roller coasterWe are going down....the elevator is descending fast and I am along for the ride...down down down and faster and faster and down again...when we collide with the floor will I be able to survive? Oh what am I saying...I always survive...just a little more of the trust whittled away and just a little less of the original self to give and when will it be all gone?On the roller coaster I was going up... I was so hopeful that the ride would stop on one of those rises rather than at the bottom of the decent....I am again on the ride alone and that is my worst nightmareI have this fear, you see...this fear I am trying to cope with...this fear of losing and being left alone by my loved ones- I never can trust that anyone will ever really be there for me....again it is gone, gone...I am now left on the ride all alone as we decend ....and I am alone to deal with the fear...I am left alone....again...it is not that I fear being alone...I fear being LEFT and left alone on the decent...left alone after believing that I would have someone to hold on to me as I screamed in fear on the scary parts of the ride...but instead I am scared AND alone. I am alone and alone and alone...with me, myself and I and "we" are going down again.....again with ourselves as the SOLE RIDER with no one to hold and it would be so much easier to not believe that there ever be anyone out there that will ever ride with us for more than one ride...or for anything other than the novelty and the fun of saying that they have ridden with me, myself and I....for that protects "us" from pain, and protects "us" from disappointment. "We" will be ok for there is always another ride...always an opportunity to get up and ride again...but why?!?? If the result is just that terrible drop in your gut as things fall out from under you and you feel like you are free falling to your death?!??? why ride? Better to keep your feet grounded and have no fear, no drama, and to keep the even keel. Should that happened perhaps the pain will end and the sharp pain will cease to be replaced with that dull blunted numbness that seems so inviting right now.I am the first in line now...they are beckoning me to the ride....what do I do?!! I am discussing the options with me, myself, and I....