glimpse

It has been told that I have brought some disconcerting thoughts to my friends and family with my recent "reflections". Reminding some of philosophical dissertations past, or a wander with Descartes and Freud at the same time. Fear not my friends, it is only this- a glimpse at the inner workings of a mind in turmoil, or should I say, the usual unusually strange way my mind works... from a non sequitur thought to contemplating a scientific principle...attempting to solve a never ending string of unanswerable questions that jumble like the clothes spinning in the dryer in my mind. There is no order as far as I can tell. And those that know me, know there really is no order in this slovenly woman's physical life so why would there be order in the chaos of my mind?!??Another thought posed was that I am going through a mid-life crisis....crisis seems a little strong for someone who seems to always be putting out fires. There is always something I should have done, and could be doing, and.... why did I do that?!? I am never stopping, always moving; for sitting makes me crazy (or should I say...crazi-ER?!??)! Why is that? I have tried, and am still trying, to figure out not only my world, but also myself....a task that is infinite in a labyrinth full of entropy....However, I confess, I find some solace from the search...from the the journey that I take daily in my jumbled mind, in search of....well, in search of MORE...in search of understanding... perhaps through understanding will come peace....if not resignation to things as they are and as they will be. If there is no journey I feel I will stagnate here and not move forward to where I should and need to go. Without something to look for I am at a loss for purpose and self examination seems such a lovely waste of time and energy that brings me closer to.....ok, not closer to fine,...but closer to me, the me I am supposed to become.If this long-winded ramble has put you to sleep I do not blame you, nor am I offended by those that think I need some"help" after reading my catharsis. I can reassure those that are concerned that this is MY way of processing. I can not do anything quietly (ask my brother) nor can I just sit and wait for the pain or joy or excitement to pass. I have to FEEL it . I must hold it and turn it and examine it and consider why it is what it is....So forgive me friends.....and read not if it is too frustrating.