Pieces

The pieces are swirling and I am standing still....Why is the world never on my axis? Why am I ALWAYS struggling against the tide? And where, oh where, is it going?

I sit at the computer...I am sitting again....but what is it that I wait for? And where has my "mojo" gone? I used to think of myself as a happy person. I am not depressed. But I am not happy. I am sitting, and sitting, and searching (both within and without), and looking, and examining, and think...ok OVERthinking...but that is also my nature......

Is it really going to be a long, long way to "happy"? Happiness is so elusive for me these days and I am not jealous of those that have it, or have found it...I am just coveting it...yearning to the depth of my being for just another small taste of it. However, can one taste ever be enough? Can one ever have enough happiness?!! I am not sure. I am scared and terrified every time I get a hint of it. Perhaps because it is always fleeting, and never comes ready to stay.

Or is it perhaps my own actions that chase it away? Am I on a self destructive course, determined to destroy any hopes of a lasting happiness in my life? Is it me? Is it fate? Is it my Karma? Is it that I am unlovable in the end.... when the facades are dropped and the mask reveals the true character underneath? The two personas that cannot be reconciled....Are both the angst ridden, happiness seeking, clingy insecure girl and the confidant mature, laid back, professional woman residing in the same body? Perhaps I have a multiple personality disorder? Only both ladies carry the same name and live and breathe in a symbiotic way...one lays hidden to the public eye, the other is always there...she just stands back and opens the curtain to reveal the hidden me when the defenses are let down.....only to realize that the audience has been represented and a mistake was made....again......

The pieces seem unable to interlock these days. Did someone hide part of the puzzle? Why is there always that key piece missing? I want to find the pattern in the chaos. I want to see the reflection that I feel is buried somewhere inside waiting to get out...but the key is missing.... Perhaps it was purposefully misplaced and the pieces are meant never to come together. However I doubt that I will ever stop looking. Nor do I think I will ever be able to figure out the puzzle. Is this what Sisyphus felt? I am tired; and the pieces....the pieces they are swirling again......