Mommy dearest

So can the "meanest mom in the world" be reconciled with the "bestest mom ever"?!??? Is that the same manic woman who drove like a maniac to get the kids to school on time (after staying up to make a mobile of origami cranes) only to once again park and walk in on the "tardy" line....I swear they need to make a permanent stamp there for me....I am mother hear me roar....I am not feeling like bringing home the bacon, frying it up in a pan,...and then screaming for hours as we struggle through another night of homework that we "forgot" about until 8:30 PM....When is there a day when I don't feel like I could just collapse and that I did it ALL right?!?? I am sure the failings I speak of are glaringly obvious to all who know me (thank you for not bringing them to my attention too many times....), but I am doing the best I can!!! Is there anyone out there who feels like they are doing it right? (Except some of the narcissistic mothers I see every day that want their "perfect" children "fixed?!???)I look at my kids and wonder how much they think of me as the damper on their fun....as the supreme wet blanket to their everyday lives.....and then there is MY mother....oh how can I feel so connected to Amy Tan? Perhaps because she channels the essence of every girl raised by an immigrant Chinese mom in America? I never thought I would come to terms with the sturm und drang that is my relationship with my mother, but I have. I even enjoy it and can laugh about it now. I worry that I will someday be on the other end of the stick with that feeling coming straight at me by my own children; frustrated by the over-expectations and hurt by never being good enough....but as mom says "I am just being honest...what you want Becky-ah?!" I wonder if my kids will feel that same sadness as they watch "mommy" remember the past better than the present. I hope they love me enough to hold my hand as we walk down the muddy walkway and that they will listen to my always inopportune telephone calls with more patience than I do. But most of all I hope they know that I love them more than anything and that I am the person I am because of and for them. When all else fails...my "family" is what sustains me and gives me the strength to arise as the phoenix from yet another pile of ashes as I crash and burn from my hopelessly crazy life and pace....I hope my double-ended candle gives great light and I hope that they will still love me not only in the morning but also as I fade away...