glimpse

It has been told that I have brought some disconcerting thoughts to my friends and family with my recent "reflections". Reminding some of philosophical dissertations past, or a wander with Descartes and Freud at the same time. Fear not my friends, it is only this- a glimpse at the inner workings of a mind in turmoil, or should I say, the usual unusually strange way my mind works... from a non sequitur thought to contemplating a scientific principle...attempting to solve a never ending string of unanswerable questions that jumble like the clothes spinning in the dryer in my mind. There is no order as far as I can tell. And those that know me, know there really is no order in this slovenly woman's physical life so why would there be order in the chaos of my mind?!??Another thought posed was that I am going through a mid-life crisis....crisis seems a little strong for someone who seems to always be putting out fires. There is always something I should have done, and could be doing, and.... why did I do that?!? I am never stopping, always moving; for sitting makes me crazy (or should I say...crazi-ER?!??)! Why is that? I have tried, and am still trying, to figure out not only my world, but also myself....a task that is infinite in a labyrinth full of entropy....However, I confess, I find some solace from the search...from the the journey that I take daily in my jumbled mind, in search of....well, in search of MORE...in search of understanding... perhaps through understanding will come peace....if not resignation to things as they are and as they will be. If there is no journey I feel I will stagnate here and not move forward to where I should and need to go. Without something to look for I am at a loss for purpose and self examination seems such a lovely waste of time and energy that brings me closer to.....ok, not closer to fine,...but closer to me, the me I am supposed to become.If this long-winded ramble has put you to sleep I do not blame you, nor am I offended by those that think I need some"help" after reading my catharsis. I can reassure those that are concerned that this is MY way of processing. I can not do anything quietly (ask my brother) nor can I just sit and wait for the pain or joy or excitement to pass. I have to FEEL it . I must hold it and turn it and examine it and consider why it is what it is....So forgive me friends.....and read not if it is too frustrating.

labyrinth

Around and around and around she goes...when and if she'll stop....nobody knows...I wonder, am I rat in a maze? Am I running though and around the turns traversing the sometimes never changing, never ending paths in front of me only to end in a brick wall? Why does it feel the labyrinth changes as I learn the paths? Why am I running so franticly to get to.....what seems to be nowhere? Doors that open and doors that close....would that one door truly does open as one closes in order to get you to the places you want to go.....I feel Alice's pain as I look down the hallway of doors......some I am too large to go through....some locked with keys I will never find...or so it feels....Where is my "drink me" bottle?I feel so like something trapped in a maze at times....wondering if the path only looks the same but that the route has been changed in order to test me and my fragile psyche to see if we are really able to withstand the frustration of never getting to the cheese ( who I might add stands alone...).I am sitting here in front of a fire with my laptop in my artsy fartsy temporarily and oddly quiet ( at least for this second) house, surrounded by four legged creatures of all species (some of whom I am having to remove from the computer keyboard as we "speak"), sipping my coffee with whip cream and caramel while my beautiful two legged monsters slumber....I am happy. There is calm and joy in in my heart. But time after time I find myself in the labyrinth... actually I wonder if I ever really leave....Why look around the corner? Why search for the elusive..or perhaps non existent thing I do not have? Or is that my nature? Is that human nature? I have only to open my eyes and see my fortune....I need only hug my children to feel my riches....Why then do I search? Who and what am I searching for? The "key" to the door, that I use to unlock the door, and then what? Another ends door? Another hallway that turns into a dead end? And what if I unlock the door and all that is there are the monsters that I have hidden in this closet I locked away myself? Funny how the mind works...how we torture ourselves but go onward anyway....is this ridiculous soliloquy just a mental masturbation that is philosophical fluff and blown to the winds with the other flotsam and jetsam that will ultimately be tossed on the waves and end at the bottom of my mental seas...Again back to the labyrinth...again around this turn I see that the door is all that is in front of me.....Would that I could open it and find.....What?!!! "Happily ever after", an end to that endless self created angst, or a bandage to hold back the bleeding of my heart? I only wish for the "bippity boppity boo"...( however I am sure the fairy god mother has her own agenda too...). I will continue down the hallway. Open the doors as they come and I hope if we meet along the way we give each other some of our mental notes so you and I can get through our individual journeys....perhaps that is the meaning of life...or perhaps we all need the purpose of the labyrinth with the promise of the end.....even though we all don't really want to get there...it is the adventure of the journey that we seek....with that I'll close this door and hope to see you again somewhere along the way on the other side...

Mommy dearest

So can the "meanest mom in the world" be reconciled with the "bestest mom ever"?!??? Is that the same manic woman who drove like a maniac to get the kids to school on time (after staying up to make a mobile of origami cranes) only to once again park and walk in on the "tardy" line....I swear they need to make a permanent stamp there for me....I am mother hear me roar....I am not feeling like bringing home the bacon, frying it up in a pan,...and then screaming for hours as we struggle through another night of homework that we "forgot" about until 8:30 PM....When is there a day when I don't feel like I could just collapse and that I did it ALL right?!?? I am sure the failings I speak of are glaringly obvious to all who know me (thank you for not bringing them to my attention too many times....), but I am doing the best I can!!! Is there anyone out there who feels like they are doing it right? (Except some of the narcissistic mothers I see every day that want their "perfect" children "fixed?!???)I look at my kids and wonder how much they think of me as the damper on their fun....as the supreme wet blanket to their everyday lives.....and then there is MY mother....oh how can I feel so connected to Amy Tan? Perhaps because she channels the essence of every girl raised by an immigrant Chinese mom in America? I never thought I would come to terms with the sturm und drang that is my relationship with my mother, but I have. I even enjoy it and can laugh about it now. I worry that I will someday be on the other end of the stick with that feeling coming straight at me by my own children; frustrated by the over-expectations and hurt by never being good enough....but as mom says "I am just being honest...what you want Becky-ah?!" I wonder if my kids will feel that same sadness as they watch "mommy" remember the past better than the present. I hope they love me enough to hold my hand as we walk down the muddy walkway and that they will listen to my always inopportune telephone calls with more patience than I do. But most of all I hope they know that I love them more than anything and that I am the person I am because of and for them. When all else fails...my "family" is what sustains me and gives me the strength to arise as the phoenix from yet another pile of ashes as I crash and burn from my hopelessly crazy life and pace....I hope my double-ended candle gives great light and I hope that they will still love me not only in the morning but also as I fade away...

Up and Down

I am still on the roller coasterWe are going down....the elevator is descending fast and I am along for the ride...down down down and faster and faster and down again...when we collide with the floor will I be able to survive? Oh what am I saying...I always survive...just a little more of the trust whittled away and just a little less of the original self to give and when will it be all gone?On the roller coaster I was going up... I was so hopeful that the ride would stop on one of those rises rather than at the bottom of the decent....I am again on the ride alone and that is my worst nightmareI have this fear, you see...this fear I am trying to cope with...this fear of losing and being left alone by my loved ones- I never can trust that anyone will ever really be there for me....again it is gone, gone...I am now left on the ride all alone as we decend ....and I am alone to deal with the fear...I am left alone....again...it is not that I fear being alone...I fear being LEFT and left alone on the decent...left alone after believing that I would have someone to hold on to me as I screamed in fear on the scary parts of the ride...but instead I am scared AND alone. I am alone and alone and alone...with me, myself and I and "we" are going down again.....again with ourselves as the SOLE RIDER with no one to hold and it would be so much easier to not believe that there ever be anyone out there that will ever ride with us for more than one ride...or for anything other than the novelty and the fun of saying that they have ridden with me, myself and I....for that protects "us" from pain, and protects "us" from disappointment. "We" will be ok for there is always another ride...always an opportunity to get up and ride again...but why?!?? If the result is just that terrible drop in your gut as things fall out from under you and you feel like you are free falling to your death?!??? why ride? Better to keep your feet grounded and have no fear, no drama, and to keep the even keel. Should that happened perhaps the pain will end and the sharp pain will cease to be replaced with that dull blunted numbness that seems so inviting right now.I am the first in line now...they are beckoning me to the ride....what do I do?!! I am discussing the options with me, myself, and I....

Pooh, Tigger, and Eeyore

I had a conversation recently with a friend about what I "am"....I felt offended to know that I was not at all a Tigger.....although I have often wondered if I am a Eeyore parading as a Tigger but secretly an Eeyore.....I have always aspired to bounce back like a Tigger and not to wallow as an Eeyore does...however, I am starting in the middle...It was sheer chance that as a I wandered in Woolworth's after moving to Winston-Salem to start a pediatric residency, that I came upon a toy Tigger and Pooh that could hang on my stethescope. They have stuck. I alternate my "fomite magnets" and wash them periodically...they have been drooled upon and peed on and...well, you understand all the body functions......I am known as the "doctor with the Pooh/Tigger"...So Pooh and Tigger are a part of my everyday life...I give them rarely a thought....but I suppose I should. Benjamin Hoff brought back Pooh and Tigger and Christopher Robin to me in college....."The Tao of Pooh" and "The Te of Piglet" were some of my favorite reading. I suppose that is where my quandry started....where I began this internal examination of my core "Pooh-ness" or "Tigger-ness" or "Eeyore-ness" as the case may be....I have often worried about my own personal "Eeyore effect"...the something within that WANTS to be unhappy...the melancholy that spreads its negative energy out like a disease. The "Eeyore effect" makes you believe you are powerless to overcome difficulties. It locks you in fear of positive expression and action because of the disappointment and hurt that could follow. It keeps one obsessed with what is WRONG with our world that we do not even see the GOOD things in our lives. The Eeyores look at the difficulties and do not want to experience the growth and achievement that accompanies overcoming the problems. Too afraid of the pain that comes with the growth and progress. "What matters about problems is what one DOES with them..." Although I must admitt it is hard to get up when sinking in the quicksand of dispair.Now on the OTHER hand we have my bouncey impulse driven "Tigger-ness"....I have been accused of a lack of focus before....I know I am always in the perpetual motion that Tigger is known for...mine I often feel though is to avoid stopping and allowing my "Eeyore effect" to take over. I do know that I have that natural exhuberance for experiencing everything to the fullest...from frantically seeking the fun with enthusiasm....perhaps too much enthusiasm thus bringing the exhaustion that keeps the Eeyore in me at bay....Mr. Hoff reflected that the love of ceaseless action and sensation is actually a form of spiritual laziness. He attests that Tiggers are not in control of their lives and behavior and their endless search for instant gratification, happiness, love and success is doomed to frustration, disapointment, and failure. Instead, it is posed that Tiggers should let things come to them, as wisdom and happiness are not things that can be chased after and grabbed on a whim. We need to "stop trying too hard and just let things as they need to." ( Yes, I know, I need to listen to myself sometimes...that is the purpose of my prose....)So now I can go back to my conversation with a friend....she said "you are so not a Tigger...". Although I was hurt, I felt I had to push on with the conversation...."So you think I am an Eeyore?" I asked. " No," she answered, " You are not a Tigger. But you are not an Eeyore." She went on to explain that I am generally happy. I am Friends with the Eeyores and friends with the Tiggers and I can be sad and afriad and excited, but not to the extreme (?!??), so I then am a Pooh. Mr Hoff speaks of the Taoist "Way" and uses Pooh and friends to examine this philosophy.I am contemplating my own Way, my own journey; for we are each searching for our own Way, and our journeys can cross, and diverge, and sometimes travel together. I often struggle to listen to the voices of simplicity and wisdom that come from within, in order to to find my Way....I have to agree that within all of us there is an Eeyore and a Tigger, an Owl and a Piglet too. I fear emptiness as it reminds of loneliness, but in my attempt to fill the spaces of my journey with motion and action and STUFF, the loneliness creeps in anyway. and I am left with nothing. I think I will chose the Way of Pooh. I hear his voice as a voice of a child, filled with light and happiness and glittter. The voice is not preoccupied with the worries and the fear of life; it is a voice from far away, and deep within....showing me the Way.

Pieces

The pieces are swirling and I am standing still....Why is the world never on my axis? Why am I ALWAYS struggling against the tide? And where, oh where, is it going?

I sit at the computer...I am sitting again....but what is it that I wait for? And where has my "mojo" gone? I used to think of myself as a happy person. I am not depressed. But I am not happy. I am sitting, and sitting, and searching (both within and without), and looking, and examining, and think...ok OVERthinking...but that is also my nature......

Is it really going to be a long, long way to "happy"? Happiness is so elusive for me these days and I am not jealous of those that have it, or have found it...I am just coveting it...yearning to the depth of my being for just another small taste of it. However, can one taste ever be enough? Can one ever have enough happiness?!! I am not sure. I am scared and terrified every time I get a hint of it. Perhaps because it is always fleeting, and never comes ready to stay.

Or is it perhaps my own actions that chase it away? Am I on a self destructive course, determined to destroy any hopes of a lasting happiness in my life? Is it me? Is it fate? Is it my Karma? Is it that I am unlovable in the end.... when the facades are dropped and the mask reveals the true character underneath? The two personas that cannot be reconciled....Are both the angst ridden, happiness seeking, clingy insecure girl and the confidant mature, laid back, professional woman residing in the same body? Perhaps I have a multiple personality disorder? Only both ladies carry the same name and live and breathe in a symbiotic way...one lays hidden to the public eye, the other is always there...she just stands back and opens the curtain to reveal the hidden me when the defenses are let down.....only to realize that the audience has been represented and a mistake was made....again......

The pieces seem unable to interlock these days. Did someone hide part of the puzzle? Why is there always that key piece missing? I want to find the pattern in the chaos. I want to see the reflection that I feel is buried somewhere inside waiting to get out...but the key is missing.... Perhaps it was purposefully misplaced and the pieces are meant never to come together. However I doubt that I will ever stop looking. Nor do I think I will ever be able to figure out the puzzle. Is this what Sisyphus felt? I am tired; and the pieces....the pieces they are swirling again......